Saturday, February 7, 2009

Someday...

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word


-Regina Spektor {The Call}



So often we have hopes and dreams that we never allow them to grow and blossom we squelch them and wait for another day. Someday, I’ll write that letter. Someday, I’ll learn to ballroom dance. Someday, I’ll write that story. Someday, I’ll sing a solo in church. Someday, I’ll change the world. Someday, Someday, Someday… What is holding us back from allowing our hopes to grow into thoughts and words- action?

So often that I hold back because of what I fear might happen. Fear paralyzing, constricting, breaking my own heart, hopes, thoughts and words. I hold myself back. Emotionally, I distance. When I do express it is simply the mask of who I think you want me to be. Crying out, I want acceptance. I walk in the shadows trying to mask myself, my soul. While I want you to see me and love me, I hide. I run. Then I commit murder. I kill my hopes. I kill them with my insecurities. I kill them with my fear.

Expression of who we are is dangerous I will admit. It involves the opposite of fear-trust. Trust is not easy, like its cousin forgiveness, we have to constantly choose it. We have to be vulnerable. We are choosing to follow those dreams and allow ourselves to hope, despite the fact that we might fail, we might be disappointed. But, if we choose to follow the fear rather than trust we ultimately suffocate our hearts until they simply fail to respond.

I am tired of living in fear of disappointment, failure, and people’s judgments. I want to live free from insecurities, breathing in the life and hopes that my Father has placed in me. The thing is that I have already been accepted, with all the imperfections, inkspots, and stains. I was loved and chosen even in a place of imperfection. If I am accepted then why do I constantly choose to defer due to a fear of rejection because of my “imperfections”? Why do I hide behind what I think I should be instead of living how I was created?

No more somedays.

"Today, I am going to start [begin the process of] living my hopes and dreams… Today."

1 comments:

Krista February 13, 2009 at 5:56 PM  

Thank-you. I needed this post. God's been teaching me that living life as who I really am can sometimes be scary, sometimes be hard, sometimes can hurt...but it is His will!

Persevere, in spite of whatever happens. *hug*

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