The following is the first in a series of guest posts by my sister Lydia. We'll be publishing three of her "Dear Lydia" letters over the next few weeks, so keep watch!
For now, enjoy the humor :)
To say I was in love would be an understatement. I have true love for the most beautiful women in the world. She has skin that is the color of wintery cream and long golden hair. She is beyond perfection. I worked years at hard labor just to hear the sound of her voice. When we fell in love 3 years ago I left to make a life in America for us, My ship was captured by The Dread Pirate “Bob”, whose motto is “There will be no survivors.” I survived umm… for a reason I’m not at liberty to reveal to you.
Anyway, I returned home to seek my bride, only to find her engaged to an evil man who had arranged to have her kidnapped by three circus performers. I then followed the kidnappers in my ship through shark infested waters, climbed the Cliffs of Insanity, and tangled with a fella who knew a little something about fencing. After that I spent a few happy moments grappling with a giant. After that I had to outface a Sicilian to death when any mistake meant death to my beloved “Peanut Butter”. I rescued her and then we ran our lungs out for a couple of hours. Then I was pushed down a rock ravine and survived the fire swamp, then in an effort to save me, my true love walked away from me hand in hand with her fiancée. He promised to protect me, but he won’t and is now my arch enemy. I am now in his dungeon recovering from being bitted by a rather large rodent. When I am well my enemy is going to kill me slowly and painfully and marry my true love, and then kill her. What do I do?
“A Boy From a Farm”
Dear Farm Boy,
First off, and I’m sorry, but I have to say this, what is wrong with “Peanut Butter” ???? She left you for your arch enemy? She’s going to marry him? I thought you were “in love” are you sure she’s worth it? I know she’s the most beautiful women in the world but still, brains and a little consistency are always nice to have. This must be some kind of true love, to make you be so forgiving to her. The truly true love type of true love. I only hope she realizes what a dork her fiancé is. My advice to you is to stick it through, in the event of your situation getting any worse (I can’t see how it could get worse without loss of life) I think the power of true love will always sustain you. Keep going as long as you can. Since your situation is so terrible, I recommend (which I normally don’t) if you can manage it, find a miracle man, see what he can do for you. Do you think you could possible get the giant and fencer on your side? They might be helpful.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009