Hello Mr. Wrong

 Before we begin I want to point out something that you will probably realize as you read on.  I am not a believer in the idea that Courtship can save you from a broken heart.  Neither do I believe that "Dating With a Purpose" or for that matter ANY kind of relationship method can prevent broken hearts.  Broken hearts happen.  In fact, God ALLOWS hearts to break.  And if He does than it's all for our own good.  To "bring us to an expected end."  I believe that God has the perfect person out there for each of us.  I believe that God will bring two people together.  I believe that if a couple places their relationship in God's hands He will direct the relationship so that it remains pure and God-honoring.


    There are many, many, many, many, many "Successful Courtship" Stories out there.  Every couple has one.  And they're all sweet and inspiring and encouraging.  What we don't see as often are the "Failed Courtship" stories.  I'm convinced it's not because they're not out there.  There are obvious reasons for not sharing this kind of thing.  It's a personal matter, and I'm certainly not saying that everyone should publish their "Failed Courtship" stories.  But, it's good for us to understand that this kind of thing does and can happen.  (Incidentally, I don't actually believe in "failed" relationships.  If two people enter a relationship toward marriage with the idea that God will direct them and show them how/if they should get married, and it ends up not working, it wasn't meant to work.  In that case, I would have to call it a "successful relationship."  We certainly wouldn't want two people to get married just because they started a courtship/relationship if they discover it's not meant to be.  In these cases God has a much better match for each of them.) 

  
    The other thing that we never hear of but I believe MUST happen more than we think is the relationship that fails before it even gets off the ground.  Before it progresses to the "Courtship/Dating/Dorting/RELATIONSHIP" stage.  I'll be up front and honest here.  It's happened to me.  Twice.  It's happened to some of my friends. It's important to know we're not immune to this sort of thing just because we've committed ourselves to a higher standard of purity. 

   

    I'll be honest.  It's hard.  For those of us who believe in "Courtship", "Dating-With-A-Purpose", "Dorting" or whatever you choose to call it there's a seriousness of thought that comes with all potential relationships.  When I was in my teens and early 20s I never thought of any scenario except a perfect one.  I imagined a guy approaching me about starting a relationship.... Of course I said yes!  I was already in love with him!  Or, I imagined getting to know a guy as a friend and gradually falling in love, and when we both realize what is happening it's obvious we're destined to be together forever.  Or, my dad comes to me "Rebecca, 'So-and-so' has asked to start a relationship with you.  What do you think?"  And I take it to prayer and recieve a resounding "YES!" from God, and a "YES!" from my parents and fall madly in love and live happily ever after.  *sigh*  It seemed impossible to me that all the right components could be there without adding up to the right answer.  I never once imagined that a Godly, nice guy would approach me about starting a relationship and the train would come jerking to a halt.  And yet, that's exactly what happened. 

    I'll walk you through the emotional rollercoaster that is a potential relationship. 
            A) Guy approaches you/your father/however you think it should go

            B) Hope ignites.  At this point I think to myself "This could be it! I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen, and now it's happening!  Could this really be it?"  Not to mention the heart-warming "He LIKES me!"  Wow.  I mean, surely he wouldn't be attracted to me if it wasn't God's will.  Right?  Um, wrong.  Guys can struggle with crushes and attractions just like us girls. 

            C) You take it to prayer.  At this point you become aware that you do NOT already have feelings for this guy.  The place in your heart that supposed to be going "ZING!" is rather... empty. 

            D) Then the questions you ask yourself.  Is this guy really the one for me, but I'm immune to falling in love with him?  Am I destined to be married to someone I don't love?  Or, am I supposed to marry him because all the lights are green (except my heart) and eventually I'll "grow to love him"... maybe. 
      I remember a time when my Dad asked me how it was going with a certain guy.  This guy was interested in starting a relationship with me.  I wasn't so sure...  I looked at my dad while trying to sort my thoughts into a coherent sentence that would somehow communicate every question, concern, uncertainty, fear, hope, dread and depression that I felt all swirling around in my heart and Dad interpreted it all into one brief fragment of a sentence. "No spark, huh?"  Wow.  Relief.  "Yeah, no spark."  He just nodded and walked away.  As if to say "Well, that's that.  No spark."  Yeah.  No spark.  What a relief to understand that there is SUPPOSED to be a spark.  If there's not, Red Light. 
            Of course, no spark isn't the only reason you should nip a relationship in the bud.  There are MANY other things to consider.  Do you agree with this guy on all important subjects?  Doctrine, Child-raising, are you compatible?  I could write another whole article on these subjects but these issues have mostly already been addressed by more qualified people than myself. 

            E) The dread.  The doubt.  This could really be it.  The last train for marriage-ville.  I'm not getting any younger.  This guy is attracted to me.  He'd probably take good care of me.  If I don't agree to go with him...  there's a good chance no one else will ever ask me.  I could be doomed to spinster-hood!!!!!  In the infamous words of Mr. Collins of Pride and Prejudice fame "...You should take it into further consideration that, in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made to you."

            F) The decision.  The "breaking it off."  Is it really breaking it off if it never even starts? 

            G) Then the guilt.  I probably really hurt this guy's feelings.  Now I feel like an ice queen.  Am I incapable of love? 

            H) Back to the single life.  Except now I feel even more single than ever.   

            I) Then the self questioning. "God, why did You allow this to happen?"  For me, this is one of the hardest parts.  As Jessie Brown says in Cranford "It's not the despair that hurts, but the hope."  Even if your hope never materializes into the feelings you hope it will... the disappointed hope can still leave a bruise that may take a long time to heal. 

   A friend said to me the other day "God will allow our desires (even good ones) to be tested."  This is so true!  False start relationships can be discouraging, believe me I know!  But, it's always better to look on the bright side.  Be thankful for the experience!  Be thankful that God is working in you!  Be thankful that you made the right decision!  Know that God doesn't walk us through darkness for no reason.  He tests us because He loves us.  Every test and trial we go through is one more test or trial behind us.  Don't give up!  
          
If there's three things I want you to understand they would be these:

•     Just because a guy wants to start a relationship with you doesn't mean he's the one.  I consider marriage a very serious decision to be made.  A possible relationship should be seriously considered.  But, don't fall into the way of thinking that a possible relationship is automatically THE relationship.  If there's a perfect man out there for you, there are no rules saying he has to be the first to ask.
•    Trust your gut instincts.  God will not ask you to marry someone you don't love or feel right about.  If he really is the one for you God will make it clear to BOTH of you.
  
•    Don't allow yourself to doubt.  There's nothing wrong with you.  Everything in our lives should contribute to our growth.  And God will use any situation to draw you closer to Him.  And there IS a perfect someone for you somewhere out there.  Don't get discouraged.

I know many girls will never have to deal with this sort of thing.  But, I also know that some of us will.  Please don't give up hope or feel alone. 

I believe in happy endings.  If it's not happy... it's not the end.

Read more...

Simple Goodness

It amazes me how many times I'll start writing something for this blog or my own journal, and then erase it because it seems like something only I would find interesting or helpful. I joke alot and use humor throughout my posts because I sometimes think the day to day lessons I'm learning wouldn't be of much use to anyone else--frankly not much of fascination really happens everyday in my life.

But I think that's part of the point God is trying to get through to me. Learning to love the simple things. Learning to view them as fascinating and wonderful, and special gifts from Him.

~Things like my 3 year-old niece getting excited because she and I are going to sit on the back seat together.
~Things like driving my Mom to run her errands while her car gets an oil filter change, and chatting about things as we drive
~Things like my older brother spending hours cleaning my dirt-lodged computer keyboard for me
~Things like a sunny day of 70 degrees
~Things like a peaceful car ride into work while I chat with the Lord

Things that in many aspects seem mundane and unimportant. But together they make the life God's given me.

Simple things to enjoy.

And to spread the joy of enjoying them to others.

Smiling at a sorrowful-looking stranger in the grocery store and watching their face partially lighten up and return the smile.
Writing a nice thank you to a fellow member on Paperbackswap.com or Swapadvd.com and getting a sweet note in return.
Asking someone I don't often talk to at church how they are doing, and actually listening to them tell me instead of moving on.

Just........finding delight in the small, seemingly insignificant things. While I learn to trust God with the big important ones that I have no control over and am trying not to be discouraged about. Such as oh, say, my future, my schooling, marriage, my parents once they hit old age, the economy, where America is heading--things that I have to daily leave in God's hands.

There's a line from a song by Hillsong United, that goes "This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way."

Sometimes, in my life, I feel very much as though triumph is still on its way.

But I know God is already here.

And so are the simple things.

Read more...

Listening

Yesterday was one of those days when I had my afternoon all figured out. I was off work, so I would stay home, work on some things, and then head to the revival meeting at church that night.

A whole glorious afternoon.

I could accomplish so much.

Then the phone rang.

I looked at the caller ID. It was a dear friend calling me. I loved talking to them. I wanted to talk to them, but.............they like to talk.

And talk.

And talk.

And talk.

Now again, I love talking to them--I really do!

But in my mind sat the list of things I'd planned to get accomplished--things I NEEDED to do.

If I called them back, the chances of my getting those things done happening would be slim.

But I called them back anyway. And we chatted for 3 hours. It turns out they were going through some tough things. And they needed someone to talk to about it. To listen. To be there for them.

I'm discovering more and more that this is what alot of people truly need.

I'll admit--sometimes my problem-solving nature can want to take over and give the solution. People don't always need that though. Often they just want someone to listen. Just sit and care enough to hear. Not solve their problems. Not tell them what they should do. Just listen. Because they don't always need an answer from me. They need an ear.

There are times when we need to give an answer. There are times when things needs to be said, howbeit lovingly. But I believe if we are hearing the Holy Spirit, He will impress on us when those times are.

More often than not, though, I need to remember that God gave me two ears and one mouth so I can listen twice as much as I talk. Even when it's not convenient. Even when I have things I need to do.

Sometimes, God wants us to use our ears instead of our mouth. Sometimes, it's more encouraging to someone when we listen, instead of telling them what to do.

Sometimes, our just listening enables them to hear God speaking--because we aren't.

I want to be a better listener.

Read more...

New Year's Resolutions With a Little Help From a 2 Year Old

It all started on Christmas Eve when we were at my grandparent's house celebrating Grandpa's 70th birthday.  Sarah, who is 2,  hadn't gotten her nap yet and by 3:30 she was quite beside herself.  She was tired and wound up; not the best combination.  I finally scooped her up and took off to Grandma and Grandpa's room to lay her down for a nap.  She didn't want to be alone so I laid down next to her and told her that I would sing to her for a few minutes and then she needed to sleep.  She loves to sing; I think music might be one of her favorite pastimes :-)  She immediately asked for he favorite song "I Hear the Sound of the Army of the Lord. I said no that's not a
sleeping song.  So, she started into "Give me that old time religion, give me that old time religion give me that old time religion, it's good enough for me."  Needless to say I was quite shocked.  Not only did my 2 year old baby sister know "Give Me That Old Time Religion", but she was singing it with such conviction.  Now it's very possible, knowing how dramatic she can be, that she was just being herself.  But it made me think; "Do I have that old time religion?  Am I walking as Enoch walked with God?" "Do I walk every day with the cross and what Jesus did for me before his eyes; using is as the goal I live my life striving for?"

    Then it went farther: I've been thinking lately about how I to strengthen my relationship with God and spend more time reading my Bible and praying.  I've been noticing a lack in my walk with God.  I've been trying to come up with more ways I can make time to read my Bible, concentrating during the day on things of God not natural things.  Well... I wasn't getting very far, and then with the "Old Time Religion" song I knew that I needed to do some serious spiritual overhauling and make sure that I was on the right path with God. 
      
          On Sunday I was listening to the message when certain things aren't sticking out to me.
1) Exodus 33:17-18 
And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that there hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I know thee by name.
And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.
- Share your heart with God and he will begin to share his heart with you.
2) Philippians 3:7-10a
But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
Yea, doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung that I may win Christ.
And be found in him, not having, mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith: That I may know him.
That I may know him...  that's what I want. I know God, so... what do I do?  Well... the answer is right in the verses. 1) Ask God to show me His glory.  And then I need to share my heart with him, talk to him like I talk to my sisters. 2) Count all things but loss and know more about God, get into His word and know who He is and what He has for me. 

So... about that New Year's Resolution.  I'm not a big resolution person but this year I decided that since I had some things that I've been meaning to do anyway I could do them as my New Year's Resolutions and I am going to make sure that I keep them. So, as of yesterday I am working on my relationship with God, big time.

Read more...

Heroes and perfection

Yesterday was Jane Austen's birthday. For all those of us out there who identify as Janeites, this is a cause for much rejoicing.

Unfortunately, I think it should also be a cause for some soul-searching.

Rebecca wrote a great piece the other day about our high expectations for men. One of the ways I think we do this is by comparing the young men we see around us to our favorite Romantic* heroes. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone say, "If only there were more guys like ______." Jane Austen's heroes are definitely favorites for this kind of wish especially, for some strange reason, Mr. Darcy.

You're probably wondering why I think that's strange. Well, I know he was played by Colin Firth in the miniseries. However, if you read the novel closely, you suddenly realize that for much of the story, he's not all that nice a character. He insults Elizabeth multiple times including while proposing to her, breaks her sister's heart, and is generally fairly proud and somewhat annoying.

Which is to say he's human. Sure, he's not the really rotten character we might think he is at certain points. He's not guilty of cheating Wickham out of his inheritance. On the other hand, he himself admits that he has great faults. Even at the end of the novel Elizabeth notes that "he had yet to learn to be laught at" (Chapter XVI). The strength of Darcy is not that he's a perfect character but precisely that he's not perfect. He, like Elizabeth, has to recognize his own faults and begin to change before their story can reach a happy resolution. We can certainly love Mr. Darcy. But if we love him, we should love him as another human being who struggles along and we should recognize that making him into a pinnacle of perfection does a disservice to ourselves, to the young men around us, and to Austen's story.



*For you literature types out there, yes Romantic is deliberately capitalized.

Read more...

Broken Hearts

"A sacrifice unto God is a broken spirit; a heart that is broken and humbled God will not despise."
Psalm 51, Prayer Book, Jordanville translation

Why do we wait? Why do we not just go out into the world and date whoever we like for however long? Many times we will say it is because we are saving ourselves for our future husband. This is an admirable decision. But sometimes people will say that they believe in waiting, believe in courtship or "dating with a purpose" to save them from a broken heart.

While this attitude is understandable, I think we have to ask whether it comes from God or from a selfish desire to avoid pain. But our hearts will be broken. They will be broken by friends, by co-workers, by family, by the times we live in, by characters in books--and I do not believe this is a bad thing. When our hearts are broken we learn to turn to God. We learn to share the pain of others. If we walk through the world untouched by those around us, we are not really following God's will.

Now, I am not advocating that we go out and open our hearts up to every young man we meet. I'm not advocating that we abandon the courtship/dating with a purpose ideal. What I am advocating is an end to the idea that courtship will somehow save us from a broken heart and that this is a good thing. Courtship is not a guarantee that our lives will be safe and happy. I wouldn't want it to be because God did not ask that our lives be safe and happy. He asked that our lives be His.

Part of the reason I think it is important to look at this issue squarely is that the idea that courtship prevents broken hearts has a corollary: If you have a broken heart, you did it wrong somehow. This idea is so destructive. It leads to so much shame and guilt where instead there should be a turning to God for healing and love. Sometimes hearts are broken through no fault of their own. I know it sounds wrong and unfair, but it is the truth. And to add blame to that pain is wrong.

I know I've been a little harsh in this post. But there is hope out there. Remember, "a heart that is broken and humbled, God will not despise." It hurts. And yet God is there, to turn all our sorrow to joy, to "wipe all tears from every face," according to one Orthodox prayer. His grace can turn our dross to gold.

Read more...

Of worth

It's the question nearly every single girl dreads: "So, have you found anyone yet?"

It seems that these well-meaning people are simply concerned that we don't miss our better half--but underlying sits the possible implication that we are not whole yet--because we are single.

The church at large seems to not know what to do with singles--where do they fit in?

It appears, in some respects, that they are considered in between childhood and adulthood--for the vast society of believers still see marriage as the proof we've come of age, and entered the world of the adult.

I've long noticed that, especially amidst conservative homeschoolers, there is an attitude of "levels" in the Christian walk. I don't mean levels as in growing in the Lord--I mean levels as in status of worth. That marriage makes you more of adult. And singleness leaves you on the opposite end.

Now I realize marriage does, in some ways require more adulthood of you. I realize it will force a maturity on you that you might not attain so readily as a single. I'm not doubting the difficulty of the relationship, nor belittling it--after all, God does hold a high view of His first institution!

My hope with this article is to bridge an understanding between both those married and single, to view each other as God sees us--equally bought with a price, and equally found with worth because of this. My intent is not to fuss at either season--merely to encourage both to work together for the Kingdom.

I've seen many singles treated as somehow inferior because of their marital status, just as I have seen married ladies left out and even shunned from conversations with those unmarried, because of a lack of knowing how to treat them. Because the season of life differs so vastly for the two aspects, I understand it can be hard to know how to relate, for both sides. May I exhort, even clumsily, my sisters from both seasons in this?

Reach out in friendship no matter the status of the other. Yes, there will be areas of each of your lives where the other simply can't relate--but then again, there will still be many areas where they can. We need each other! Don't be afraid to cross over the bridge It takes daily grace to walk with the Lord, no matter where you are. Every season has its good and bad. Having our sisters walking with us, even on different paths, is such an encouragement.

One path is not lesser than the other. True worth is found in Christ, not on our left hand While we may be in different places, we will always have Him in common--such a comfort to know, isn't it? We may not be able to fellowship together over every part of our lives --but we can always, always fellowship over Him. Don't you love that?

Please don't misunderstand me--I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with relating more to those who are where you are. There are some things that we naturally need to share with those in the same place. Rather, it is the bridge mentality I speak of--that unless we are on the same side, we can't get along. This simply isn't true.

Treat your sisters with love and respect no matter where they are. And realize that in every season, God has a plan and purpose for your life--and His way is always perfect.

Read more...

Against lists

We like lists. I like lists. I like to-do lists, I like lists of books I own, books I want. Lists keep me organized and keep me sane.

But there are some things that should not be listed.

One of these, I believe, is our opinion on what our husband should be like. I know we’ve all heard the stories, right? The ladies who in their youth wrote down what they thought of as the ideal husband and lo and behold he showed up! I don’t at all want to denigrate their experience. But I do want to say that lists can be a way for us to fall into a trap. If our ideal man at 15 or 20 or 25 has brown hair and loves cats and fine art, we will inevitably, consciously or unconsciously, go around measuring every man we meet against this level. Brown hair? Check. Loves cats? Check. But, oh no! He doesn’t like art! Never mind then.

I’m not saying we all do this so blatantly. But if we’re honest with ourselves, I think we’ll admit that we do it far more often than we mean to.

You might be wondering what the problem is. Doesn’t all of that just mean that we have standards? Well, yes that’s true. On the other hand, I think that it can all too often lead to our limiting what God wants. If we have the cat and art loving brown haired guy in our heads, it’s harder for us to hear God when He says, “Hey! Dog and car loving black haired guy over here!” It’s hard for us to see beyond an image of our own making.

We should certainly know what we cannot compromise on, whether it’s theology, political beliefs, etc. But we should also know what is less important, what in the end is trifles. I believe that by doing this we will open our hearts to God’s will.

Read more...

Longings

Note: The reference to God being our true love is not meant in lieu of a girlfriend/boyfriend scenario, but rather that within all of us is the deep need to love and be loved--which can only be satisfied fully by our relationship with the Lord. We really don't understand how much God does love us. My prayer is that this will encourage you to plunge deeper and deeper into that love, and look to Him for ultimate fulfillment.

Longings
written by Deborah Teat 3 years ago

The ache settles deep within—
Burning, clamoring, its ceaseless din
Pushing me to run to You.
No other source can lift me through
The yearning I feel.

I long for love; my soul’s vast crave
Washes me, waves after wave with endless crash
Of endless fears, of endless hopes, of endless tears.
But wait; be still, for whom but He
Who redeemed your soul
Can your true love be?

There is none else who loves you so,
With perfect love: O do not throw
His love away for petty things this life may give.

Only when in Him you live
With calm joy and deep content
Your search for love will then be spent.

For there in Him your longing complete,
Will you find the true love you so earnestly seek.

~Miss Deb

Read more...

Held In His Arms

May 3, 2008

It’s almost midnight, and I am wide awake. I climbed into bed over an hour ago, to do a little reading and then go to sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday, so it’s up and at-‘em right away so we can be at church on time. But instead I lay in bed staring up at the darkened ceiling with no sign of slumber on the horizon. Why? I don’t know. I know I should be asleep, yet what keeps me awake? I start going through things in my head: am I worried about something? No. Am I unhappy? No. Stressed? Preoccupied? Lonely maybe; like so many nights of recent? No, it’s not even that. Then suddenly, in the stillness there is a knowing. Nothing changed, no voice from above, no crash of lightning, in fact everything is very quiet. But yet I know what. God is just wanting to talk to me. To be with me, commune with me and me with Him. That’s what it is. It’s that thing we call having a relationship with God. It’s like with your friends, you know when they need you, when they just want to talk, or share, or just be with you. It was like that, I knew that God just wanted to talk, to tell me that He loved me and that I am His child. That He is with me. So, I turned over and just said “Yes Lord.” That’s all He needed, an open heart, a willing vessel. I love that feeling, the one you get when you can feel God working inside of you. Cleaning out rooms of your soul that you have allowed to be dirtied by the world, but it doesn’t hurt, in fact, it feels wonderful, like stepping out of the shower after being covered in mud. That wonderful feeling of oneness with God, that compares to nothing else. Everything else dims in comparison. Do I still feel lonely? Sure, part of me does, the part that God created to be and want love. But, I don’t care. At this moment in time I am so full of the love of God for me that I don’t care! God loves me and cares about me and wants only what is perfect for me. He is holding me in his arms with His cheek next to mine saying “My child, I love you, and I am here to hold you, to listen to you, and to perform the very best for you. So be at peace my child, trust me, place your hand in mine and I will lead you and guide you forever.” My eyes are getting heavy so it’s off to bed again. But this time I have a smile on my face and the love of God overflowing in my heart.

Read more...

I'm not waiting for Prince Charming

I'm not waiting for Prince Charming.

I know some of you may be confused by that statement. I am, after all, fairly vocal in my support of "dating with a purpose," or courtship, if you want to call it that. I'm even the administrator (along with a staff of several wonderful young ladies) of I Don't Date. Have I suddenly changed my convictions? No, not really.

But I repeat: I am not waiting for Prince Charming.

I am waiting for my husband.

I am not waiting for that mythical someday when a perfect man, a knight-in-shining-armor, rides in on his horse and scoops me off and carries me off to his castle where we live happily ever after. I am not waiting for that day because it will never come and believing that it will is only harmful to myself and to my future relationship with my future husband. (This is not to say that I don't love Pre-Raphaelite art as much as anyone else, just that I don't believe it will happen or ever did in the way we tend to think of it.)

You see, my husband, while I hope and pray that he is a wonderful and Godly man, is just that: a man. He is not now nor ever will be perfect and to imagine that he will is only setting both of us up for heartbreak.

Because what happens when he fails me?

He will fail me, just as I will fail him. And if I cherish the dream of a perfect man only to find that he is not so perfect after all (and I am talking larger failings than leaving his socks on the floor here), what will that do to my trust in him? How much harder would it be to find forgiveness for him and his failings in my heart? Yet would I not hope for that forgiveness myself? I would. And God calls us to forgive our fellow strugglers.

So no, I am not waiting for my Prince Charming. I am waiting for the man that I hope to laugh with, to cry with, to sing with, to read with, to live with, and to worship God with. I know that there will be hard times to come, just as there are hard times now. I know that my own sinful tendencies will rear up their ugly heads just as his will. And you know? I can only pray that God will bring us through them, whatever they be. But I can also refuse to fall into the trap of idealized thinking that is implicated in that phrase, "Prince Charming."

Read more...