The Lord has been teaching me much these past crazy, amazing, life-changing months. I haven't been posting regularly here on the blog, obviously, but it's been in my thoughts. Someday soon, I hope, I will take the time to sit down and talk to you about some hard and wonderful lessons I've learned. The core of some of them comes down to... the topic of this video. I hope you are encouraged by it.
Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? by Carolyn McCulley
I give this book 5 stars and 2 thumbs up. That's how much I loved it.
Carolyn writes from her own experience and her honesty is touching, humorous and in some instances even heartbreaking. But mostly her honesty is inspiring, level headed and REAL.
Who would've thought reading a book on a subject I personally struggle with written by another woman struggling with the same thing could be so encouraging and uplifting?
I was especially pleasantly surprised to find the author addressing the topic of the Proverbs 31 woman especially relating to single women. This is a topic the IDD Blog has recently been studying. I found her insights to be invaluable.
I recommend this book to EVERY woman aged 15-95, married or single. Even though it's primary focus is single woman, Carolyn points out that single woman are just woman, who happen to currently be single. Her encouraging words apply to women in every walk of life.
You can find more of Miss McCulley's work at Boundless
Before we begin I want to point out something that you will probably realize as you read on. I am not a believer in the idea that Courtship can save you from a broken heart. Neither do I believe that "Dating With a Purpose" or for that matter ANY kind of relationship method can prevent broken hearts. Broken hearts happen. In fact, God ALLOWS hearts to break. And if He does than it's all for our own good. To "bring us to an expected end." I believe that God has the perfect person out there for each of us. I believe that God will bring two people together. I believe that if a couple places their relationship in God's hands He will direct the relationship so that it remains pure and God-honoring.
There are many, many, many, many, many "Successful Courtship" Stories out there. Every couple has one. And they're all sweet and inspiring and encouraging. What we don't see as often are the "Failed Courtship" stories. I'm convinced it's not because they're not out there. There are obvious reasons for not sharing this kind of thing. It's a personal matter, and I'm certainly not saying that everyone should publish their "Failed Courtship" stories. But, it's good for us to understand that this kind of thing does and can happen. (Incidentally, I don't actually believe in "failed" relationships. If two people enter a relationship toward marriage with the idea that God will direct them and show them how/if they should get married, and it ends up not working, it wasn't meant to work. In that case, I would have to call it a "successful relationship." We certainly wouldn't want two people to get married just because they started a courtship/relationship if they discover it's not meant to be. In these cases God has a much better match for each of them.)
The other thing that we never hear of but I believe MUST happen more than we think is the relationship that fails before it even gets off the ground. Before it progresses to the "Courtship/Dating/Dorting/RELATIONSHIP" stage. I'll be up front and honest here. It's happened to me. Twice. It's happened to some of my friends. It's important to know we're not immune to this sort of thing just because we've committed ourselves to a higher standard of purity.
I'll be honest. It's hard. For those of us who believe in "Courtship", "Dating-With-A-Purpose", "Dorting" or whatever you choose to call it there's a seriousness of thought that comes with all potential relationships. When I was in my teens and early 20s I never thought of any scenario except a perfect one. I imagined a guy approaching me about starting a relationship.... Of course I said yes! I was already in love with him! Or, I imagined getting to know a guy as a friend and gradually falling in love, and when we both realize what is happening it's obvious we're destined to be together forever. Or, my dad comes to me "Rebecca, 'So-and-so' has asked to start a relationship with you. What do you think?" And I take it to prayer and recieve a resounding "YES!" from God, and a "YES!" from my parents and fall madly in love and live happily ever after. *sigh* It seemed impossible to me that all the right components could be there without adding up to the right answer. I never once imagined that a Godly, nice guy would approach me about starting a relationship and the train would come jerking to a halt. And yet, that's exactly what happened.
I'll walk you through the emotional rollercoaster that is a potential relationship.
A) Guy approaches you/your father/however you think it should go
B) Hope ignites. At this point I think to myself "This could be it! I've been waiting my whole life for this to happen, and now it's happening! Could this really be it?" Not to mention the heart-warming "He LIKES me!" Wow. I mean, surely he wouldn't be attracted to me if it wasn't God's will. Right? Um, wrong. Guys can struggle with crushes and attractions just like us girls.
C) You take it to prayer. At this point you become aware that you do NOT already have feelings for this guy. The place in your heart that supposed to be going "ZING!" is rather... empty.
D) Then the questions you ask yourself. Is this guy really the one for me, but I'm immune to falling in love with him? Am I destined to be married to someone I don't love? Or, am I supposed to marry him because all the lights are green (except my heart) and eventually I'll "grow to love him"... maybe.
I remember a time when my Dad asked me how it was going with a certain guy. This guy was interested in starting a relationship with me. I wasn't so sure... I looked at my dad while trying to sort my thoughts into a coherent sentence that would somehow communicate every question, concern, uncertainty, fear, hope, dread and depression that I felt all swirling around in my heart and Dad interpreted it all into one brief fragment of a sentence. "No spark, huh?" Wow. Relief. "Yeah, no spark." He just nodded and walked away. As if to say "Well, that's that. No spark." Yeah. No spark. What a relief to understand that there is SUPPOSED to be a spark. If there's not, Red Light.
Of course, no spark isn't the only reason you should nip a relationship in the bud. There are MANY other things to consider. Do you agree with this guy on all important subjects? Doctrine, Child-raising, are you compatible? I could write another whole article on these subjects but these issues have mostly already been addressed by more qualified people than myself.
E) The dread. The doubt. This could really be it. The last train for marriage-ville. I'm not getting any younger. This guy is attracted to me. He'd probably take good care of me. If I don't agree to go with him... there's a good chance no one else will ever ask me. I could be doomed to spinster-hood!!!!! In the infamous words of Mr. Collins of Pride and Prejudice fame "...You should take it into further consideration that, in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made to you."
F) The decision. The "breaking it off." Is it really breaking it off if it never even starts?
G) Then the guilt. I probably really hurt this guy's feelings. Now I feel like an ice queen. Am I incapable of love?
H) Back to the single life. Except now I feel even more single than ever.
I) Then the self questioning. "God, why did You allow this to happen?" For me, this is one of the hardest parts. As Jessie Brown says in Cranford "It's not the despair that hurts, but the hope." Even if your hope never materializes into the feelings you hope it will... the disappointed hope can still leave a bruise that may take a long time to heal.
A friend said to me the other day "God will allow our desires (even good ones) to be tested." This is so true! False start relationships can be discouraging, believe me I know! But, it's always better to look on the bright side. Be thankful for the experience! Be thankful that God is working in you! Be thankful that you made the right decision! Know that God doesn't walk us through darkness for no reason. He tests us because He loves us. Every test and trial we go through is one more test or trial behind us. Don't give up!
If there's three things I want you to understand they would be these:
I think I'm having belated reactions to my birthday a couple months ago.
Have you ever had that birthday? You know... the depressing one?
Well, I thought 25 was bad. Then I turned 26. I had JUST gotten accustomed to being 25; and then I realized. 26 is older than 25. I tried to keep my depression on the down-low. Whenever I mentioned the shock at the passing of time and my own aging, I usually got about the same kind of response. Some variation of: "You're not OLD!"
So, I'm not really. But, still, I took 26 hard and I spent a lot of time wondering where my early 20s went to. And trying to remember what I did with them. Were there any accomplishments to speak of? Did I make any significant advancements in life? None were apparent. I felt like the same person I was at 18, when I graduated from high school, put my life in God's hands, and settled in to wait on direction.
That was a tough birthday. And for about 6 months afterward.
Then I turned 27.
I sort of dreaded this birthday, especially after my experience with the last one. (Which, by the way, does not seem that it possibly could have been a year ago?) But, it seemed to go pretty well. The day was uneventful for the most part. I still don't FEEL 27, and I certainly don't LOOK it... (some people still guess my age at 18 :) but, it went well.
Or so I thought.
Then it happened.
I found a gray hair.
By now you are probably thinking that I am a horribly dramatic person who is very easily thrown off her rocker.
Nothing brings the passage of time closer to home for me than repetition. There are certain events that are regular as clockwork in my life. Yearly events. For instance the homeschool play that my brother and sister were in last weekend. I remember sitting in that same auditorium 12 months ago thinking: "The next play is a YEAR away. That's such a long time. A lot can happen in a year. Maybe next year, I won't be sitting here alone." And, 24 months ago? Same thing. 36 months ago? Yep. This is hard to admit, so bear with me?
I'm content being single. I really am. I'm enjoying it. But, I'm one of those people that is always alone in a crowd. Nothing makes me feel more desolate than a full house. Have you ever been in a theater and noticed how many people are paired up? Very few people go to these things alone. Of course, I don't go strictly alone; I go with my (huge) family. So, maybe I have no right to let the loneliness creep up on me and sit on my shoulders.
But, (even though it's hard) I'm being honest here. Loneliness hurts. It hurts to go to the same events year after year and watch the couples. It's hard to watch everyone younger than you married and toting babies. It's hard to know that people that know me wonder if I'll EVER find a guy.
Mostly, it's hard to realize that another year has gone by (and they keep coming faster and faster) and I'm still single. And I'm sitting in the same auditorium again, with a couple in front of me. And one behind me; and one on the left, and one on the right, and know that (based on previous experience) next year it will probably be the same.
And that's why I struggle with birthdays. Not because I feel old. Not really because I found a gray hair. (Because, seriously, it's ONE gray hair) It's because it's another reminder that time marches on. And that I'm not where I thought I'd be.
I'm not sharing this with you all because I'm trying to get you depressed. I'm saying it because it's true in my life. And I have a feeling there are other young women out there feeling the same way. I know that I'm exactly where I should be. I know my future is in God's hands. I know He loves me.
But, that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't hurt. It just means that when I DO hurt He comforts me.
And, maybe if we're honest with each other, and share our hurts, we can comfort each other?
PART ONE HERE
Girls, let’s face it. There are not very many of us that are totally and completely content with our lives as they are. I’ve never met anyone that could tell me they loved their life so much, that there wasn’t one single thing about it they would ever want to change. And if I ever did hear someone say that I would probably assume they were fibbing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we all have terrible lives. I certainly don’t have a terrible life. In fact, I have a pretty good life. But, I’m not wholly and absolutely happy all the time. Sometimes I feel like I have huge voids in my life. Since I’m single I find myself quite often blaming my discontent on being single. I’ve heard a lot of girls doing this same thing. And along with that comes the idea that “if I had a husband I’d be happy.” I’d have someone to talk to. Someone who understands me. I’d feel like I had a purpose in life.
This is a very dangerous way to think. Of course we girls should long for marriage. It’s a very good and proper thing to desire. We’re supposed to desire it. But, marriage is not a cure-all for what-ails-you. If you’re struggling with something in your life, don’t just chalk it up to your lack of a significant other. Dig a little deeper. Find the real reason and deal with it. If you don’t, it will be all that much harder to deal with later when you are married. Once you are married you are responsible for so much more than just yourself. Everyone and everything you are responsible for will suffer for your buried issues.
Imagine this. You have a bitterness buried deep in your heart, and all your single years you refuse to deal with it. You assume that the real reason you are unhappy and discontent is that you are lonely. Someday a handsome prince comes into your life. He is just wonderful, everything you’ve ever wanted in a husband. He sweeps you off your feet. You get married in June. You are happy for a while. But, then something happens that upsets you. He says something insensitive. He doesn’t mean to, but he’s human, after all. He makes mistakes. But, you are hurt. All the old bitterness comes to the surface. Suddenly, whatever little thing it was that upset you to begin with blows up into a huge issue. He doesn’t know what he did that caused you to get so riled up, and you are mad that he is so insensitive that he doesn’t know. You’re certainly not going to pour salt in your own wound by spelling it out for him. So, you stomp out of the room and slam the door. Icy silence for a few hours. Or days maybe. You’re not happy, He’s not happy, the kids aren’t happy… When Mama ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy… right?
Girls we need to be so careful in our expectations. It’s not fair to our future husbands. We can’t expect them to be perfect. We can’t expect them to be able to take away all of our unhappiness and give us happiness, we can’t expect them to solve all of our problems. They can’t. They’re just men. Just human beings like us.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t have expectations. We should. But, we need to expect reality. Not utopia.
BUT, the good news is: there is a utopia for us!
God has Great Expectations for us too:
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
The really good news is: God actually can fill all of our voids. He can help us with our bitterness. He understands us, He’s always there for us to talk to, and He can give us a purpose in life. In fact, He gave us our lives to begin with. Without Him we wouldn’t even have life.
Psa 62:5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.
Pro 23:18 For surely there is an end; and thine expectation shall not be cut off.
Pro 24:14 So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off.
I have some great expectations. I have always, always, for as long as I can remember supposed that I would get married. I believed that I was called to be a wife and mother. I imagined that I would marry at the age of 19. I would be done with high school by then. I had no plans for college. Why would I need to go to college? I wouldn’t need a career because my husband would be our bread-winner. My career would be “stay-at-home-mom.” There are no courses to be taken in How to be a Good Wife,” “Raising Children to Serve God 101,” “Homeschooling Your Children” or “Housekeeping for Dummies.” Everything I needed to know I learned at home from my mother. I learned to cook and clean. I helped my little brothers and sisters with their school work. I didn’t date because I knew that God would bring me my perfect match so why should I fool around with fate?
My “great expectation” to be married at 19 did not happen. Ok, so 19 is a little young. I’ll concede that. Then, I planned on getting married at 20… and then 21… and then 22… and so on. It’s been quite a few years since 19. But, I wonder what expectations we all have about our princes and marriage in general. Here’s a couple of scenario’s for you.
eygirl’s article “Single does not mean Alone” reminded me of how God has woven the story of time, orchestrating events and moving in our lives to woo us and bring us back to that place of intimacy from our darkened separated shame. He can fulfill our desire for intimacy-the need to know and be known completely. I am so thankful that while we are single we are not alone, that God comes alongside us and walks with us hand in hand through the darkest and most difficult times. Not as some cosmic boyfriend, but rather as a true companion who knows us intimately- every detail, every thought, every action, the good, the bad and the ugly and still chooses to shout to the world His great and magnificent love. I pray that this article encourages and blesses each of you… Enjoy.
Waiting is one of life’s hardships.
- Lemony Snicket
While waiting is just one of those things about life, there is something that we should not be waiting for. Waiting for life to begin.
Sometimes I think that as singles, we have convinced ourselves that until we marry or meet the right guy, life has not begun. No matter what we are waiting for – whether it be for the end of high school or college, a new job, a husband, a family, a new home – we cannot wait for it as if only then we can truly begin to live.
Today is what we have and we need to stop pinning our dreams, our purpose on tomorrow. My job is to live and glorify God wherever He has me, whether it is as a single working girl in an accounting department today or as a wife and home-schooling mother sometime in the future.
Our status of singleness or marriage must not be what defines our walk with God. Our walk with God has one purpose above all other things: to love God with all our hearts, to bring glory to Him through our lives.
I firmly believe with all my heart that I can and must do my best to serve God with what I have here, at this moment. Marriage and motherhood is not the highest occupation a woman can be called to. Wives and mothers are important, but no more important in God’s eyes than His other daughters who are single.
The world needs godly wives and mothers, helping their husbands and raising children to love God. But God must believe that the world also needs us singles, otherwise He wouldn’t have us in this state at this time. The world needs Christians who love God and His ways. That’s it. Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter if we are single or married: whatever we are, wherever we are, we have a purpose and nothing can ever change that.
I have been interested in liturgy for some time now. One of my favorite prayers, that I have now memorized, is the Shema. One of the most well-known prayers in Jewish liturgy, the Shema comes directly from God’s word, the Torah.
Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God is one.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart
and all your soul and all your might.
May that ever be the story of my life, from today and tomorrow and forever, in every stage of life. This is my story and this is my song.
With all my heart and with all my soul and with all my might.
When I think of courage, my thoughts turn to images of a battlefield, with the commander giving his advancing troops some sort of magnificent pep talk to spur them on to victory. "Courage men!" he cries. The soldiers raise their weapons, the shout of "Charge!!" permeating the airwaves.
I've never been in a physical battle. I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do. Within the first five minutes of combat I'd probably fight for the wrong side, fall flat on my face while running toward the enemy, or shoot my gun off in the wrong direction and kill an innocent bird in a tree.
So I will leave the fighting to those more adept at it.
But even thought I can't fight, it doesn't mean I don't need courage.
I do.
It takes courage to trust God with my future.
It takes courage to leave my hopes and dreams for marriage in His hands, and keep holding onto that faith even when it seems utterly impossible that anything will ever happen.
It takes courage to keep on waiting, when my eyes see nothing beginning. When the desire for marriage seems a lost cause, that God has forgotten about me. When everyone else around me has it happen for them and I'm left clinging to the hope that God does indeed have a special plan for my life.
Singleness takes courage. Sometimes quite a bit.
But not for the sake of just being brave.
Recently a friend of mine was talking about her best friend's upcoming wedding. She was reminiscing about younger days and how they used to pretend they were Anne and Diana. And in passing mentioned that maybe she should have been Diana as she was still Gilbert-less. I stopped there and said to myself 'Yes, but Gilbert is worth waiting for;' and left it at that. If some of you recall my post on trying new things, you'll know that I participated in a choir concert last week. Over fifteen people sang, many of whom sang both solos and duets. All in all, everyone had a marvelous time singing a wide array of music, from hymns to folk songs to Broadway show tunes.
The last performance of the evening was a sort of duet. An older gentleman, whom I recognized from community choir, sang "How Great Thou Art," while his son, who looked to be in his thirties, signed the lyrics. Just before the older gentleman burst into song, however, he introduced his son to the audience. "He's a registered sign language interpreter for schools in our area," he said, motioning to the man standing next to him. "And ladies!" He paused slightly and scanned the audience pointedly. "He's single!"
Oh, matchmaking parents!
And matchmaking grandparents.
After the concert was over, I made my way through the crowd to greet my mother, sisters and grandparents. After an intial, "You did good, kiddo!", my memere looked up at me impishly and said in a stage whisper, "There's a nice single guy over there!"
*facepalm*
Not only did she point him out to me, but also to my young sister. And to my friend who is also single.
And I could feel her eyes on my back when the most-definitely-single young man came over to congratulate me and my friend on our performance of the duet.
Oh dear.
It's started again. The matchmaking.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
I Would Have Been
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