nine o'clock

nine o’clock

It's nine o'clock and all I have
Is time and a cup of tea
But do I even have all that:
Plenty of time and me.

I'm waiting (once again)
For life to jumpstart
But, tonight, at nine o’clock
My engine has stalled

There is much that I want
Yet not too much for the asking
Little things, a few large, but still
Not much for the asking.

Happiness, love, life, joy
A bed warm on both sides
Pleasure, pain, laughter, tears
A hand to hold mine

Not much, but so much.
And I’m asking, wanting, asking.
Yet, all I have is nine o’clock,
A cup of tea…and me.

It's ten past nine at night and I'm making breakfast. I dip a spoon into the sugar bowl and watch the grains trickle into my cup of tea. The toaster pops up with a clunk, my toast a golden brown. Butter, then peanut butter, all melted and sticky on my fingertips.

It’s been a blue day and I’m quiet and angsty this evening. Bad poetry. Tea. Comfort food.

I have good days and I have bad days. Some of you know what I mean – and I’m sure you don’t think me pathetic for my low moments and blue funks. Others might be thinking, “Stop making yourself miserable and just trust God! Quit making your happiness dependent on someone loving you.”

Stop. Please. This isn’t just a superficial pity-party. This is a deeper ache. I am content – I do believe I am – but I have these longings and desires that ache at some of the most unexpected moments.

I try to look at the bright side of things. I love the amazing freedom I have a single woman. I am glad of the time I can spend studying God’s word or learning more about liturgical prayers or other Bible-related things; if I were married, I might not have time to study as much. I am glad of the time and money I can spend on singing and participating in music sessions this summer – time to be brave and sing a solo. I am thankful that I have been able to watch my baby sister grow up and capture little daily moments. I love being able to travel fairly freely and go on trips that might never happen if I were married. Being able to read as many books as I can and having time to read them. Being able to go on impromptu garden tours. Traveling to the UK with my Dad. And my plans to go back to school this year.

But in spite of all these blessings…this desire to love and be loved, to marry and live with a man, who as the song goes would

be more interested in me
Than he's in himself and
more interested in us than in me...

…this desire still remains.

Is it possible to be content and yet long for something more? Someone more? And why is it wrong to have these desires? Why is it wrong to be blue occasionally and have to run to God occasionally, like tonight, tonight over a cup of tea? Is it wrong to be finally honest with myself, with God and with you? That it is hard at times. That I sometimes cry. That it is lonely at times, in spite of living with twelve other people all in one house.

It is hard, at times.

But.

God is faithful. And during the sad times, the blue times, the hard times…

He is there.

My poem isn’t true. It feels true, but it isn’t. It isn’t just nine o’clock, a cup of tea and me.

God is here. He loves me and while I don’t always understand why it feels so lonely even when I know He is with me, even though I don't understand all these unfulfilled desires and longings…He is here. He loves me.

And that is enough for tonight, for now.

Tonight, it’s nine o’clock, a cup of tea…God…and me.